shefreak

With Valentine’s Day only a month away, I thought I’d dedicate this post to the single gents who might be on the hunt for someone to spend it with. Here are six frightful femmes that should make your blacklist, not your Little Black Book.

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Texas Chainsaw Massacre

NAME: Sally Hardesty

FILM: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

PLAYED BY: Marilyn Burns

REASON TO AVOID: Don’t approach unless you’re packing Prozac. Sally suffers from severe post-traumatic hysteria following the grisly death of her invalid brother as well as all of her friends via Craftsman power tool.  Rumor has it, the last time a guy brought her home to meet his family, she jumped out the window and ran away, not even bothering to stay for dinner! Not surprisingly, Grandpa didn’t approve.

TYPE: Catatonic girl-next-door

HER IDEAL DATE: Dinner (strictly vegetarian), primal scream therapy

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NAME: Dawn O’Keefe

FILM: Teeth (2007)

PLAYED BY: Jess Weixler

REASON TO AVOID: Don’t let that wholesome Midwestern teen exterior fool you – this gal is a man-eaterliterally! Having grown up next to a nuclear power-plant, Dawn was born with a full set of choppers in her vagina which chomp down on any male junk that is forced upon her. Of course, if you’re the selfless, marriage-minded type, you probably have nothing to fear, though you may want to avoid coitus during PMS.

TYPE: Castrating female – just ask her stepbrother

HER IDEAL DATE: Holding hands, Bible study, Jonas Brothers concert

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 Rabid Chambers

NAME: Rose. Just Rose.

FILM: Rabid (1977)

PLAYED BY: Marilyn Chambers (yes, that Marilyn Chambers)

REASON TO AVOID: Killer body houses killer parasite. Porn-star fantasies aside, this sex-bomb is the kiss of death – or more accurately, the hug of death. Some experimental post-accident plastic surgery left her with a weird, phallic bloodsucking growth inside her armpit. You thought gonorrhea was bad? This chick will give you a venereal disease no one’s even heard of!

TYPE: Promiscuous vamp

HER IDEAL DATE: Armpit love!

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carrie-spacek

NAME: Carrie White

FILM: Carrie (1976)

PLAYED BY: Sissy Spacek

REASON TO AVOID: While she might look like your average goth-chick on the photo, Carrie is actually quite nerdy and has some serious issues, the result of an abusive childhood and a strict, religious mother. If that isn’t enough of a red flag for you to steer clear, how about the fact that she can snap your spine in two… with her mind?!

TYPE: Needy, insecure, telekinetic

HER IDEAL DATE: Anything… just don’t take her to prom.

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sadako

NAME: Sadako Yamamura (AKA Samara Morgan)

FILM: The Ring (1998 / 2002)

PLAYED BY: Rie Ino’o / Daveigh Chase

REASON TO AVOID: . Ever want to go out with a psychic Japanese version of Cousin It from “The Addams Family”? I didn’t think so. Sadako (not be confused with the highly addictive number puzzle) is a young aspiring filmmaker with a DIY approach to movie distribution — videotapes of her work just inexplicably turn up in people’s homes.  Her films are best classified as ‘experimental’: non-linear, non-narrative and non-comprehensible. But before you guys with an ‘arty Asian girl’ fetish get too excited, rumor has it you’ll die a week after you’ve seen her work. Like Carrie White (see above), a bad childhood coupled with mind-control powers have given Sadako a wicked disposition. Some might prefer her cuter American cousin Samara, but in reality there’s really no difference. Whether they’re crawling out of your TV or rotting at the bottom of a well, these gals are bad news.

TYPE: Angry, vengeful, daddy issues

HER IDEAL DATE: Staying in and watching a video

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 brood

NAME: Nola Carveth

FILM: The Brood (1979)

PLAYED BY: Samantha Eggar

REASON TO AVOID: Nola comes with some serious baggage: a rough divorce, messy child-custody battle. institutionalization, anger-management issues, and kids… mutant kids… AND LOTS OF THEM. And if you piss Ms. Bitterness off, they’ll come after you – even for un-friending her on Facebook. She really has no use for men anyways — she reproduces asexually.

TYPE: Psychoplasmic Drama Queen

HER IDEAL DATE: Parthogenetic birthing